


Jealous

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Boyfriends, Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut, it's happy and it gets darker, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-21 04:52:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9532271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: Tyler is happy. He's successful, he has lots of fans and he has the cutest boyfriend in the world. But then, Josh meets this wonderful girl and suddenly, Debby seems more important than Tyler. Tyler is jealous. He wants his Joshie back. Because Josh belongs to him. And everybody knows that. Everybody, except for Josh…





	1. Josh is Tyler's friend, right? Not his boyfriend. Not yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody, this fic is an one-year-joshler fic. One chapter per month. (in the fic not in reality!) I was so excited to write this, I've already written half of it. The chapters will be longer than in "Snow is cold", but I'll try to update regulary. There'll be some smut in it, for sure. I've never written any smut before, but I'll try my best. Enjoy!
> 
> Dear "Feuer", if you're reading this, just leave, okay? I said that I'd never write smut, but here we are. Don't judge me, you know me pretty good. I'm crazy. sorry. Love ya. <3
> 
> Thanks to everybody who'll be patient and willing enough to read it! :)

MARCH:

+++ Don't be confused, it starts with march +++

Josh couldn't stand it any longer. Again and again he looked at Tyler. He'd been watching him for weeks, not normal, like friends, but in a creepy loving way. He took in every detail, every movement of Tyler. He knew every inch of his face, too often he had stared at his friend, his full lips, his adorable, slightly crooked teeth, his gentle brown eyes, his eyelashes. He was addicted to Tyler's laughter. He couldn't get enough of it. So he joked all the time to make Tyler laugh and every time it worked, he felt a pleasant shudder. He often had imagined how it would be to kiss Tyler. To feel his lips. To run his hand through his fluffy hair. And more, much more.

Josh was Tyler's best friend. It was understandable that they were touching each other. A hand shake. A slap on the shoulder. Tickle fights like five year olds. Tyler's head on his shoulder when he was tired. A hug after the show. Sometimes a bit too long, even for good friends. But he was not brave enough to ask Tyler about it. He had tried it many times, but then hesitated. He didn't want to destroy everything.

These feelings have plagued Josh for several months. Now it was spring and they were still friends. Not more. But Josh wanted more. And he didn't want to wait anymore. He decided to talk to Tyler. His hands trembled as he stood before Tyler. He looked at him expectantly. Josh had only told him that he wanted to talk to him.

"So, what's up?"

Josh began to sweat. He swallowed. His throat was dry.

"Josh, come on, I don't want to wait forever. What do you want to discuss with me?"

"I ... uh ... I" Josh stuttered. Tyler furrowed his brows.

"What? Do I bother you in any way? Do you…do you want to leave the band?"

Josh laughed nervously. "No, of course not."

"What is it, is something wrong?"

"Tyler, everything's fine!"

Tyler shook his head. "Come on, I know something bothers you, I-"

"Tyler!" Josh cried desperately. "I want to tell you something important, but you interrupt me all the time!"

"Oh." Tyler hushed. "Sorry."

Josh sighed. "Tyler, I ... I like you."

"I like you too." Tyler replied in astonishment.

Josh took a deep breath. "I like you more than ... that."

Tyler was silent. Suddenly, Josh had to say everything. "I love you, Tyler, I love you, I love everything about you, I can hear you singing for hours, I never get tired of it, I love it even that you chew very loud. Actually, I think it's cute. I…I couldn't live without you."

Tyler sighed. Josh looked down. He knew, he had fucked up. He shouldn't've said a word.

"Josh, I'm sorry. I…I'm not-"

Josh teared up. "I-I'm sorry, Tyler!"

"-doing it on purpose. I swear. It just tastes so much better if I chew loud."

Josh froze.

"What?"

Tyler grinned.

Josh swallowed.

"Josh, I love you, too. I'm so glad you feel the same way. It killed me." Tyler said softly.

Josh started sobbing. Tyler hugged him.

"Hush. It's alright, Josh. I love you. I love you." He whispered, his voice raspy.

"R-really?" Josh asked with tears in his eyes.

"Yes."

They smiled at each other for a second.

"We should…date?" Tyler asked.

Josh nodded with a serious face expression. "Yeah. I think so."

They looked at each other, then burst into laughter.

 


	2. Clothes problems

 APRIL:

 

Tyler stood in front of the closet in the hotel room and tried different t-shirts on, when it knocked at the door.

"Come in." Tyler turned, expecting to see Josh, but it was Mark.

"Oh, hi, Mark."

"Hey, Tyler, what are you doing?" Tyler looked desperately at the piles of clothes on the floor.

"I ... I'm looking for something to wear."

Mark rolled his eyes. "It's not like you have _too many_ clothes."

"But nothing fits, I just can't find the right one!"

Mark sighed. "Oh my God, not you too!"

"Why?"

Mark sat down on the hotel bed. "Well, I've just been to Josh and he's got exactly the same problem, is something special today?"

Tyler hesitated. They hadn't told the crew that they had decided to date. They all thought they were only good friends.

"Josh ... uh ... Josh and I are going to the cinema today."

Mark smiled.

"Yes, and it's dark inside, forgotten?"

Tyler bit his lower lip. "I ... I just want to look good."

"But you're only going with ... ah." Mark stared at Tyler. "That ... that's a date, isn't it?"

Tyler looked down and nodded. Mark was silent.

"I didn't expect you'd date in this life." He shook his head in disbelief.

Tyler frowned. "What do you mean?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "Tyler, that was more than obvious, I've never seen two straight guys staring at each other like you do, everytime when Josh didn't notice, you were staring at him and the other way around. It was more than clear that you are more than "good friends"."

Tyler sighed. "What about the crew?"

Mark grinned. "They do not know yet, but that will change soon, although some assumptions have been made."

Tyler blushed. He didn't want to know what the crew had been talking about them behind their back.

Mark got up and stood beside him. "Let's see what you can wear." He reached into the cupboard and pulled out a pink shirt.

Tyler groaned. "It couldn't be more obvious that I am gay if I wear _that_."

Mark nodded and put it back. "You're right, but it's great that you finally get it."

"What? That I'm gay?"

Mark nodded.

Tyler rolled the word back and forth on his tongue and it just felt right.

"I'm gay." He repeated, almost surprised.

Mark laughed. "Got it. Let's choose a shirt." He reached into one of the piles on the floor and picked up a flowered shirt. "I think that fits."

Tyler eyed the shirt suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

Mark sighed. "Come on, really?"

"What is Josh wearing?"

Mark facepalmed. "Just ... just a black shirt, okay? I said he should wear it and I don't know if he will or not, but it doesn't matter." he said.

Tyler smiled. "It does."

He only got a groan in response. "I don't care, I'm going now and you can choose what you want to wear, have fun, and remember, tomorrow is our last show." He disappeared through the door, shaking his head.

Tyler looked at the clothes on the floor and sighed.

 

 

Tyler and Josh were incredibly nervous as they entered the cinema hall. They had chosen a drama, but both knew that none of them would be able to concentrate on the movie. The cinema hall was almost empty, only another couple and a man sat a few rows in front of them. Tyler climbed to their seats. He tried to sit down without spilling popcorn or Red Bull and with some effort it worked. Josh watched his attempts with an amused smile. He sat down next to Tyler. He didn't like popcorn, so he bought only one pack of Oreos.

The lights was switched out and the movie started. Tyler ignored the screen and watched Josh from the side. The light of the screen flickered across his face. Josh noticed Tyler's gaze and turned his head. Tyler blushed, when he catched Josh's gaze. Josh laughed softly, but his hands were trembling. Tyler noticed it and put his hand on Josh's. Josh sighed. Tyler smiled and looked at the screen. The movie was quite boring and he focused more on Josh's breath next to him. After half of the film, the couple began to kiss loudly before them. Tyler looked at the man. He was asleep and snored quietly. The couple grew louder and louder and the woman groaned softly. Tyler sighed annoyed. Josh squeezed his hand lightly.

"Relax, Tyler."

Tyler leaned back and closed his eyes. Josh put an arm around him. Tyler leaned his head against his shoulder and Josh pressed a kiss on his hair. Tyler smiled, eyes closed. As long as he ignored the disgusting wet kissing noices in front of him and the snoring, he felt comfortable.

He opened his eyes when someone gently shook him.

"Wake up, Tyler, the movie is over."

Tyler blinked. On the screen was the credits, the man had disappeared and the couple just left the hall. Tyler rubbed his eyes.

"Oh, I really fell asleep, that's a great date."

Josh chuckled. "I didn't know I am so boring."

Tyler rolled his eyes and hit him playfully. "It wasn't because of you!"

"You sure?" asked Josh and acted offended.

Tyler became serious. "Yeah." He stared at Josh and kissed him before he could think about it. Josh froze for a moment, then he kissed back.

When the lights were switched on again, they slowly pulled apart. Josh grinned when he saw Tyler's red cheeks. They got up and left the cinema.

Outside, Josh breathed deeply. "I think we could repeat that."

Tyler smiled. "Yes, I think so too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut in the next chapter!


	3. Ready? Ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this chapter yesterday, but I was sick, so…yeah, here it is  
> And I noticed I wrote that it was the last show, right? Let's pretend it was the last show before the short break, because I need them to be on tour.  
> Sorry

MAY:

 

Josh turned off the TV with a sigh. He was restless and couldn't concentrate.

Tyler and he were now officially a couple. The crew had taken the news with a knowing smile, the first few days were still a bit strange, and Josh had noticed some of them tensed when he kissed Tyler (and he often did), but after a week everybody got used to it. They had a few weeks break between the shows, and Josh and Tyler enjoyed every minute. Although Josh spent every free minute with Tyler, he didn't see him very often. Tyler was obsessed with his last songs, which had to be finished to record. He worked all day on them.

Josh got up and decided to go to see Tyler, who had been sitting in his room for hours. He knocked on the door and entered the room. He saw Tyler sitting at the desk. He had furrowed his brows and stared thoughtfully at a sheet of paper.

"What are you writing?" Josh asked interested and read through the few lines. He liked what he saw.

Tyler sighed. "Lyrics, but nothing is good enough."

"I think it's good. Do you have a melody for it?"

Tyler shook his head. "I do not even have a chorus."

"Maybe you should take a break?" suggested Josh. He gently massaged Tyler's shoulders. "You're tensed up. You should relax."

Tyler grinned. "How?"

"Well ..." Josh leaned forward and cupped Tyler's face. He kissed Tyler and Tyler kissed back hungrily.

Josh opened his mouth and felt Tyler's tongue. Tyler moaned. He needed more. He needed to taste Josh, he needed to feel him. Josh noticed Tyler's desire and tried to undress him. It was diffcult, because they were still kissing. Josh groaned unpatiently. Tyler giggled and stopped kissing.

"Wait. You'll rip my clothes."

"Hurry." Josh bit on his lips, while Tyler slipped his shirt off and unbuttoned his jeans. Josh felt his boner through his jeans, when he saw Tyler undressing. Tyler saw him waiting unpatiently and smiled.

"You should get your clothes off, Josh."

Josh blushed and started to slip his trousers off.

"Wait, I'll help you." said Tyler and started to unbutton Josh's shirt. He moaned when he felt Josh's muscles under his fingertips. Josh grabbed him and threw him on the bed.

"Can't wait, Tyler."

Tyler looked at him, his eyes wide, his face red.

"C'mon Josh!"

Josh kissed Tyler's stomach, his collarbones, his neck, his throat. Tyler whimpered.

"No teasing, pleeeease!"

"Shh. Enjoy."

Josh kept on kissing and biting Tyler's neck, his jaw, his earlobe. He nipped a spot on his neck and Tyler moaned and pulled Josh's hair softly. Then, Josh rested his lips on Tyler's for a deep kiss.

They gasped for breath after a few seconds.

"I need you, Josh!" Tyler said, breathing heavily.

"Alright, baby boy. Let's go!"

They didn't have any lube, but neither Tyler nor Josh cared. They just needed each other. Now.

Tyler sucked Josh's fingers, saliva dripping on the sheets when Josh split Tyler's legs and pushed his index finger first, then his other fingers into him.

Tyler moaned, his hands gripped the sheets, his knuckles were white.

"Oh Josh, oh my god!"

Josh curled his fingers and Tyler's moans got louder. After a few more moves, Josh pulled his fingers out and threw his boxers off.

"Ready?"

Tyler nodded. His head was red and sweaty.

Josh hold his breath when he pushed into Tyler. Tyler gritted his teeth.

"Okay?" Josh asked, still holding his breath.

Tyler just nodded, he couldn't speak, it hurted but then he felt chills running through his entire body.

Josh started to thrust faster until he knew he was going to cum. He pulled out and came all over Tyler's stomach. Tyler came right after him.

Josh collapsed on the bed next to Tyler. Both men were breathing heavily.

"I-…I won't be able to walk tomorrow." Tyler said, still gasping for breath.

"'M sorry." Josh mumbled and kissed Tyler's forehead.

Tyler snuggled closer to him and rested his head on Josh's chest.

"I love you, Josh."

Josh smiled. "I love you too."

He heard Tyler's breath become steady.

Josh cleared his throat. "We should get cleaned up. I'll take a shower, 'kay?"

"Okay." Tyler said sleepy.

Josh stood up and walked into the bathroom. When he returned, he saw Tyler was still lying on the bed. He had fallen asleep. Josh watched Tyler's chest rise and fall slowly, he saw his relaxed face. Josh smiled, his heart full of love. He knew he'd do everything for his boyfriend. Tyler was his life and he'd always be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I hope you liked it, it was my first try to write smut


	4. Sleepy Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff in this chapter

 JUNE:

 

"Hey, Tyler, get up!" Josh shook his friend's shoulder.

Tyler groaned and turned around in his bunk to fall asleep again. The tour went on and both had gotten too little sleep during the short break. Especially at night, when they've been busy with…other things than sleeping.

"Tyler, get up!" Josh grinned.

Tyler groaned again, then straightened up. "What is it, Josh?" He rubbed his eyes. Josh couldn't deny that he looked incredibly sweet, his eyes still slightly swollen from sleep, his hair messy.

"Come on, man, it's almost noon. We've got the day off."

Tyler sighed. "Yeah, we've got the day off. And I've planned to sleep the whole day."

"No way. Day off means: sightseeing."

Tyler blinked sleepy. "Please, give me another five minutes." He begged.

Josh hesitated. He really wanted to visit the city, especially the beach. He loved the sightseeing during the tour. But Tyler looked so tired ... With a groan he climbed into Tyler's bunk. It was tight, and Josh needed an eternity to find a comfortable position. Finally he lay on his back, Tyler pressed against him. Josh raised an arm and ran a hand through Tyler's hair. Tyler sighed comfortably and snuggled closer to Josh. He closed his eyes.

"Thank you, Josh." He murmured. Josh smiled.

"I'll do anything for you, Tyler, you're my queen."

Tyler giggled. "Queen Tyler, that sounds weird."

Josh shook his head. "No, it sounds cute." He replied softly.

Tyler put his hand on Josh's chest to feel his heartbeat. He looked up and caught Josh's gaze. His eyes were full of love. Tyler wished he could froze that moment forever. He kissed Josh softly. It was a long, intimidate kiss, full of promises that neither of them said out loud.

"It's so nice when you're here, Josh." Tyler smiled. "I have no nightmares when you're with me."

"You can sleep now, Tyler. I'll be here. I'll be here forever." Josh said, his voice raspy.

Tyler closed his eyes and fell asleep quickly. Josh watched him breathing slowly and he was so full with love, he wanted to go out and show everybody, that this beautiful boy belonged to him. Josh's heart melted when he studied Tyler's face, his full lips, his long lashes, his nose. He wanted to stay in this bunk forever, his boyfriend sleeping next to him and listen to the beat of Tyler's heart. Knowing, that he was happy, that he was _alive._

Josh played with Tyler's fluffy hair. He always hated it, when Tyler shaved it. He placed carefully a kiss on his temple, trying not to wake the boy.

"I'll be there, Tyler." He whispered. "I love you, and I'll always protect you."

 

|-/

 

They woke up a few hours later. Josh couldn't remember when he fell asleep, his hand still rested in Tyler's hair. He grabbed his phone to check the time. Mark had sent him a picture. Josh clicked on the message, it was a picture of him and Tyler sleeping in the bunk. Josh looked relaxed, while Tyler was snuggled against him.

Mark had a short message written beneath the picture: _Two cute sleepy boys. You need more RedBull ;)_

Josh chuckled. They tour was wonderful, but very exhausting. He hadn't realized, how tired he had been.

"Slept well?" he asked Tyler.

Tyler sat up and kissed him. "Yeah. Thank you. What's this?"

Josh showed him the picture. Tyler smiled happily. "Everybody who sees this picture will know that you're my boyfriend."

Josh grinned. "No. You're _my_ boyfriend."

It was more than obvious that they were in love.

They both climbed out of the bunk, Tyler hurried to get dressed.

When they left the bus, it was after noon. They decided to do some sightseeing and walked through the small town. Tyler was excited about all the shops and bought new sunglasses. Luckily, the town was very close to the beach. They bought some ice cream and walked to the beach. It was crowded with familys. Children were running over the hot sand, carrying ice cream or small shovels. Tyler and Josh decided to walk along the beach. They ate their ice cream and watched some joggers running by. Tyler took some pictures of him and Josh. He wore his sunglasses crooked and Josh stuck his tongue out, which was blue because of the ice cream. They had a lot of fun.

After they had finished their ice cream, they sat down on the sand. Tyler threw his shirt off, laid down and closed his eyes, his arms crossed behind his head. Josh kept his shirt on, he was afraid to get sunburned. He didn't have any sunblock (or sun-unblock how he joked when he talked about his paleness) but he knew, Tyler would have a bronzy tone in the evening.

They stayed until the sunset. It was a wonderful sunset, full of colors, red, orange, yellow, with a hint of pink. They kissed when the sun disappeared and the kiss tasted salty. It tasted like the sea, the sun and lots of love.


	5. Bottom or top?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you all know Brendon Urie? Which means this chapter contains strong language. I think that explains everything

JULY:

 

There was a soft knock at the door of the hotel room. Tyler and Josh froze. They glanced at each other in panic.

"What should we do?" Josh mouthed, his eyes widened.

Tyler shook his head in shock. He stared at his hands which were resting in Josh's hair. Somebody knocked again.

"Go and open!" Josh whispered.

"No! I can't! Look at me!" Tyler whispered back in desperation.

"Tyler? Josh?" It was Brendon Urie who had knocked at the door. He had two concerts at the same place and he hung out with them, because they were friends.

"Tyler, go and open the door!" Josh whispered again.

"No! I can't!" Tyler answered in panic. Unfortunatly a bit too loud.

"Tyler? I can hear you. Open, please." Brendon said. He sounded annoyed.

Tyler gasped.

"You need to open the door!" Josh said.

Tyler hesitated. Then he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He hurried to get to the door and opened it slightly.

"Oh, hi, Brendon, I was…uh…"

Brendon crossed his arms. "Yeah?"

"…"

Brendon noticed Tyler's sweaty face and the dangerous low towel around his waist which did not completely hide his boner.

"Oh. Oh! You must've been, uh, busy, I guess?" He grinned.

Tyler blushed and nodded. "Busy…yeah."

Brendon bit on his lip. "Where's Josh?"

Tyler looked back to the bed. "Uh…"

"Holy fuck, Tyler!" Brendon yelled. Tyler cringed. Brendon started laughing.

"Oh damn, I'm sorry, I thought you were jerking off or something like that. But, fuck, that's better! I never thought you goddamn idiots would have sex! That's fucking hilarious! Have you even started?" he asked nosy.

Tyler's skin colour changed to a few darker shades of red.

"That's none of your buisness, Brendon." he mumbled.

Brendon grinned. "You 'lil nasty boy. I wanted to ask you if you want to get out, but I guess you have better plans for the evening, right?"

Josh appeared behind Tyler, his hair messy. Thankfully, he wore some shorts, Tyler noticed. The situation was already embarrassing enough.

"Uh, hi, Brendon."

"Hello…Josh." He said with a smirk. "How is it going?"

Josh tried his best not to blush but he failed. "…good, thanks."

"Is it fun?"

"Uh..."

"And how's Tyler? Is he a bad boy?"

Josh and Tyler gasped. "Alright, that's enough information for you, Brendon." Josh said after a moment of shock.

Brendon showed an evil grin. "I don't think so. I need to know the nasty details."

Josh shook his head. "No chance."

Brendon sighed. "Alright, I guess I have to wait and make you drunk one day, then I'll know everything."

Tyler snorted. "Can't wait for it."

"Relax and have fun, I'll ask the others if they want to go out. Or maybe you shouldn't relax certain…parts."

Tyler rolled his eyes and nodded. "Good."

"Okay, Tyler, I'll let you two lovebirds finish what you started… Just one question. Are you bottom or top?"

Tyler cringed. "Go, Brendon!"

Brendon laughed and turned. "See you later, guys."

He walked away, but stopped after few steps. "And Tyler: I'm one hundret procent sure you're bottom!" he yelled and ran away with a laugh.

Tyler shook his head and closed the door.

Josh showed a croocked smile. "I'm sure everybody will know about that conversation in a few minutes."

Tyler sighed. "Let's hope he gets drunk and forgets this embarrassing…thing."

He walked back to the bed.

Josh cleared his throat. "Should we continue?"

Tyler shrugged. "I don't know…"

Josh sat down next to him on the bed. "Don't think about it. You know Brendon. He's an asshole."

Tyler smiled. "Sometimes, yeah."

Josh kissed him. "I don't care. It's okay that Brendon knows we have sex. We love each other, that's normal."

Tyler nodded. "You're right."

He kissed Josh for a few moments before he pulled away.

"Well, there's one thing I don't like about you."

"What?" Josh asked. He seemed hurt.

Tyler grinned. "You're wearing shorts."

Josh laughed. "I can change that."

Tyler smiled and kissed Josh again. "You know what? I think Brendon's right. We'll be very busy this evening."

Josh couldn't agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Debby will be appear in two chapters


	6. Declaration of love

AUGUST

 

"Are you excited?" asked Tyler.

Josh opened a pack of chewing gum. "Always."

Tyler smiled. "We've played so many shows together."

Josh shook his head. "I'm still excited."

Tyler put a hand on his shoulder. "After all, you can chew gum." He grinned.

"Yes, I don't have to sing or talk." Josh tapped his bluetooth device in his ear, with whom he could talk with Tyler on the stage, without someone hearing him. Tyler, on the other hand, used the normal microphone, so the fans heard everything he said. A member of the crew opened the door to the dressing room.

"Are you ready?"

The two followed him to the stage entrance. While Josh was already on the stage and the beat for Heavydirtysoul began, Tyler stayed a few seconds. He was more relaxed than Josh, although he spoke a lot more and also interacted with some fans. He ran to the stage and grabbed the microphone hanging from the ceiling. The first song was perfect, as well as the following songs. After nearly two hours, both were sweaty and happy as they approached the end of the show. Tyler, who had run wildly over the stage, ran to his piano and sat down.

His fingers touched the keys of the piano. He played a few chords and the fans cheered when they recognized the song.

He leaned forward and talked into the microphone.

"Tonight, friends…"

Another chord.

"…I wanted to thank you for being here with us…"

Tyler changed his finger positions another time.

"…alive, like you promised."

The crowd cheered and Tyler was happy. He was happy and exhausted, but in a good way.

"Are you going to start?" he heard Josh's mocking voice in his ear.

Tyler grinned. "Josh is unpatient. He wants to know when he can start drumming." He said out loud. The fans laughed.

"Well…I guess you'll have to wait, Josh."

He played slowly another chord.

"Brendon's right." Josh said amused. "You're a bad boy. Wanna know what I'll do to you tonight? I'll make you scream. But you'll have to beg for it."

Tyler laughed. "Why don't you say it out loud? I guess the fans want to hear what you're saying, right?"

Someone yelled: "Tell us."

"Yeah, right, Josh, tell us your nasty thoughts." Tyler said with an evil grin.

"I…" Josh said shocked. "I can't…"

Tyler laughed. "I knew it. Sorry guys, but you know, Josh doesn't like to speak in front of people." He stopped laughing, when Josh stood up and walked to him.

"What are you doin'?"

Josh grabbed the microphone and walked to the front of the stage. Tyler saw his shaking hands, but he kept standing in front of the crowd and started speaking.

"Uh, hi."

Everybody got silent. Josh never spoke on stage and everybody wondered what he was doing.

"Tyler, uh, Tyler said I, I should say it out loud."

He glanced back to Tyler, who was sitting motionless at the piano.

"You know I have, uh, anxiety and it's very difficult for me, but, uh, I'll try." He breathed out shakily. The hall was filled with silence. No one yelled, no one cheered, it seemed like everybody was holding his breath.

Josh swallowed and continued. "Tyler asked me what I was thinking. I'll tell you, Tyler. I, uh, I was thinking how wonderful you are. And how much I love you."

Josh closed his eyes. He wanted to say all the things he always wanted to tell Tyler.

"I love you so much and I can't think of something else I'd like to do instead of performing with you tonight. You're the most talented person I've ever met and I'm so glad you love me, too. I just… I just want to spent my whole life with you. I love you. I love you."

Josh opened his eyes. He catched the gazes of the people in front of him. They looked shocked, but in a good way. Some people started to clap and more followed until the whole crowd was clapping and cheering.

Josh turned and looked at Tyler. He cried. Tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing. After a few seconds, he stood up and walked to Josh and hugged him so tight, like he'd never let go.

"I love you, Josh." He said sobbing. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

They stayed in the hug for a few minutes. Then they slowly pulled apart. Tyler wiped his tears away.

"That was wonderful. Thank you so much."

Josh smiled. He sighed in relief, when he realized he had talked in front of thousends. He still felt his heart racing, but he was proud. And it was worth it.

They finished the show after a few more songs.

Tyler held Josh's hand the whole walk from the stage to the dressing room. There, he kissed Josh passionatly.

"Josh, that was the best declaration of love you could make."

Josh smiled sadly. "It'll be all over the internet in a few hours. I wanted something special for _you_ , only for you."

Tyler smiled. "I don't care. You have anxiety and speaking in front of all these people proves your love. It is special, believe me, Josh."

Josh grinned and kissed Tyler on his forehead.

"I love you, baby."

Tyler rested his head at Josh's chest. "I love you too, Josh. I can't live without you."

"Me neither."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent hours thinking what this bluetooth device is called, but I can't remember, so yeah, I hope you understood what I meant
> 
> Also, you had a half year happy chapters. Enough love and fluff. I'll stop with all the happiness now. The next chapters are getting more serious and triggering. (Smut will still be in there, but I'll add self harm and angst)


	7. Josh meets Debby and Tyler hates it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I…can't believe it. They did it. They accepted the grammy in underwear. Our smol beans are rebellious ;)
> 
>  
> 
> And: I don't know if Mark is in a relationship, but let's pretend he's not, ok?

SEPTEMBER:

 

All their songs were recorded and the new album was released. It was one of the last days of the tour, only a few more shows and they'd go home, back to Columbus. Tyler would live with Josh.

"We should go out tonight." Mark supposed. "Do you want to go to a club?"

Josh catched Tyler's gaze and shrugged. "Yeah, we can do that."

Tyler hesitated. "I don't know…it's not a gay club, is it?"

Mark laughed. "No, of course not. You need to ask Josh for that."

"But…we're gay. I don't…I don't want to flirt with women."

"But with men?" Josh said, acting shocked. Tyler punched him softly. "No, of course not, dumbass. I just ask myself why we should go to a club when I already have a boyfriend?"

"Because it's fun. And because I want to hang out with you guys. I barely talked to you the last few days. You're always busy with kissing and staring at each other like some idiots in love. You barely notice me." Mark sounded hurt.

Tyler sighed. "Okay."

They left. Michael didn't want to go with them, so it was just Mark, Tyler and Josh.

The club was already filled with people, many of them dancing. Tyler felt very uncomfortable when he saw all the girls in their way too short dresses. Josh noticed it and squeezed his hand. Tyler smiled at him.

"We need something to drink." Mark nearly screamed because of the loud music. They followed him to the bar. Mark rolled his eyes when they ordered two non-alcoholic drinks. After a few minutes, he left Josh and Tyler at the bar and disappeared between the dancing people. Tyler felt uncomfortable, although Josh was with him. The music was too loud, it was hot in the club and there were way too many people. He tried to talk with Josh, but they didn't understand a word, so Tyler just hushed after a few seconds. He watched the people instead and sipped at his drink. Josh learned forward.

"Hey, Tyler, wanna dance?" he screamed in his boyfriend's ear.

Tyler shook his head. Josh shrugged and pointed with the hand to the dancefloor. "I'll dance, wait here for me, okay?"

He disappeared between all the sweaty bodies. Tyler sighed. He should've stayed at home. A girl ordered a drink at the bar and tried to flirt with him. Tyler was nice to her, but she just ignored all his briefly hints to tell her he was gay. After she came closer and rubbed her thumb softly over his hand, he was tired of her attempts to gain his attention.

"Okay, listen, I'm gay. Stop flirting with me, I don't like it." The girl seemed hurt and left without a word. Tyler felt bad, he didn't want to be unpolite. He searched for Josh and Mark, but he couldn't find them. Then, he saw Josh in the middle of the crowd, dancing with a girl with long, strawberry blonde hair. She swung her hips seductively and Josh seemed to like it. Tyler watched them, and his heart hurted. He needed a few moments to define the feeling. It was jealousy.

He squeezed his way through the people, trying not to get in touch with swinging hips, sweaty hair and waving hands. When he reached the middle, Josh and the girl weren't there. He sighed and pushed his way back to the bar. Somebody pinched his ass and Tyler groaned in frustration. He just wanted to go home.

He stopped when he saw Josh and the girl at the bar. It seemed like Josh had bought a drink for the girl, she had a glass in her hand. Josh said something Tyler couldn't hear and the girl laughed and whispered something in his ear. Josh smiled. He seemed happy. He didn't need Tyler. The girl kissed Josh's cheek. Tyler's heart skipped his beat for a moment. No. That wasn't possible.

He turned and nearly ran to the restroom. The restroom was very small and dirty, one striplight was broken, the other one flickered. A young man was standing in front of one of the urinals, but he missed it because he was too drunk. Tyler left the restroom. He just needed to be alone and the restroom was not the ideal place to sit down and cry. He returned to the dancefloor and walked to the bar. Josh smiled at him.

"Hey, there you are. I thought you'd wait here."

Tyler shrugged. "I needed to go to the restroom."

He looked at the girl. She was beautiful. She had full lips and her hair shimmered. Tyler felt so ugly beside her.

"Who's this?" he asked Josh. Josh furrowed his brows. Tyler was rude.

"Debby. Debby, this is Tyler."

Debby smiled. "Hey Tyler, nice to meet you."

Tyler kept silent. Debby bit on her lip.

"Josh, I'm tired, I wanna go home." Tyler said. Josh looked apologizing at Debby.

"Sorry, I need to go. See you."

He hugged Debby and Tyler clenched his fist. Debby smiled. "Alright, thanks for the drink. Bye. And, bye, Tyler."

Tyler nodded briefly and turned. He caught Mark on their way to the door.

"Hey, Mark, we're going home."

Mark sighed. "Alright, guys. I'll stay. See you."

Josh said goodbye and followed Tyler out of the club. They walked in silence to the parking lot, where the tourbus stood.

"You okay? Josh asked.

Tyler faked a yawning. "Yeah, I'm just really tired."

They arrived at the parking lot a few minutes later and Tyler hurried to get in his bunk. He was surprised when he felt tears on his cheeks. Why was he crying? Everything was alright. But Tyler saw Debby's smile in his head and he just wanted to forget.


	8. The messages

OCTOBER:

 

Tyler opened his eyes with a groan. He blinked a few times before he opened his eyes and stared to the window. He had forgotten to close the blinds yesterday, when he went to bed. The sun filled the whole room with a golden light.

"Josh?" he mubmled, but the place next to him was empty. Josh was gone. Tyler furrowed his brows. He knew, Josh had fallen asleep next to him yesterday.

He stood up slowly, yawning. Then he walked towards the bathroom. There was a note in front of the door:

_Hey Tyler, I went to the gorcery store. I need to buy something to eat, our fridge is empty. I'll be back before noon. Love you <3 _

Tyler went into the kitchen and filled a bowl with cereal. He sat down on the couch in the living room. Josh hated it when he did that. He was afraid Tyler would spill all the cereal on the couch. Therefore, Tyler used every opportunity when Josh was not at home. He switched on the TV and decided to watch a comedy. At one point he had to laugh so much that he nearly choked on his cereal. Tyler had to cough and noticed the milk that had spread over the couch during his laughter. He ran into the kitchen and took a rag. Josh would kill him when he saw the patches.

Tyler threw the pillows on the floor and wiped frantically on the couch. Suddenly his gaze fell on something silver. He pulled it out. It was Josh's cell phone, which probably slipped between the pillows. Tyler put it on the coffee table and wiped the milk away. When he reached for his bowl, the display of the phone lit up. He could read the beginning of a message. It was from Debby.

_Hi Josh, thanks for ..._

The display went dark. Tyler ignored the message.

Since the night at the club, Josh and Debby had met regularly. They had asked Tyler at first to hang out with them, but after Tyler sat a few times in icy silence next to them, not saying a word, Josh stopped asking. Tyler didn't like it when he met Debby and he tried to ignore it as best he could. Josh had often accused him that he was unfair to Debby, but that ignored Tyler, too. He didn't want anything to do with Debby. Josh, however, liked her very much, although he asserted that they were only friends. And yet Tyler could not dispel the small voice in his ear, asking him if Josh and Debby weren't more than friends. What did they do when they met without Tyler?

Was Tyler not good enough? Was Josh bored? He didn't know.

Tyler tried to concentrate on the comedy, but he kept glancing to the phone on the table. The comedy was over and Tyler stood up and brought his bowl into the kitchen. When he returned to the living room, he looked at the clock. It was almost noon and Josh was still not back. Tyler turned off the TV and sat down on the couch. He crossed his arms and bit his lip as he stared at Josh's phone.

No. That was Josh's phone. Not his. Josh could write with Debby what he wanted. Tyler stared at the clock. Time passed agonishingly slowly. And Josh didn't show up. After twenty minutes, Tyler couldn't stand it any longer. Hesitantly, he reached for Josh's phone and unlocked it. He knew the code, it was his date of birth. He clicked on the message. His hands trembled slightly.

_Hi Josh, thanks for the wonderful evening! It was so much fun! <3_

Tyler felt sick. He scrolled through the earlier messages. Debby and Josh had talked almost every day.

_Josh: Hey Debs, do you want to hang out today?_

_Debby: Sure! Wait, I'll call you._

 

_Josh: That was really great yesterday! Wouldn't have thought you were so persistent!_

_Debby: You weren't bad either! ;)_

 

 

_Josh: Did you like it?_

_Debby: Of course! It was amazing. I didn't know you could be so wild ..._

_Josh: Well, you'll find out more about me soon :)_

_Debby: What about Tyler?_

_Josh: Leave it to me, okay? I talk to him._

_Debby: Please hurry. I want it to be settled soon._

 

Tyler swallowed. He felt so sick, he felt like he'd throw up. He put the phone on the table and ran into the bathroom. There he gagged over the toilet bowl. His eyes watered and his hands trembled. Tyler sobbed. He had known it. Josh and Debby were more than friends. Josh didn't love him anymore.

But he needed Josh! Josh couldn't leave him! Tyler decided not to tell Josh anything about the messages he had seen. He got up and washed his face. He was cold and his whole body ached. No, it was his heart that suffered in agony. Tyler rubbed his face dry with a towel and took a deep breath.

At that moment he heard the door open. Josh closed the door with a push and carried some bags into the kitchen. Tyler followed him. Josh turned.

"Tyler!" His face lit up when he saw his boyfriend standing in the doorway.

Tyler smiled. "Hello Josh."

Josh hugged him and wanted to kiss him, but Tyler flinched.

"Everything alright?" Josh asked in surprise.

Tyler shrugged. "I feel sick."

Josh stroked his hair from his forehead. "Hopefully you won't get sick." he said softly.

Tyler pressed his lips together and shook his head. Josh looked at him in concern. Tyler stared into his beautiful brown eyes. He loved Josh. He wouldn't allow Debby to take him from him. He would do anything to prove Josh how much he loved him. He leaned forward and kissed Josh.

How much he loved these lips. How much he loved Josh. He would do anything for him.

Josh smiled when they stopped kissing.

"I bought your favorite cereal."

Tyler grinned. "Thank you."

"No problem, sweetheart." Josh went into the living room and dropped onto the couch. His eyes fell on the phone.

"Oh, where was it?"

Tyler crossed his arms. "Between the pillows on the couch."

"Great, I've been looking for it." Josh grabbed the phone without looking at it. He tapped on his leg. "Come here, darling."

Tyler liked to sit down on his lap. He wrapped his arms around Josh's back and sighed. Here he felt safe. He loved Josh with all his heart and he knew he would fight for him if he had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, I've been really tired when I wrote that chapter, I'll edit it later


	9. Maybe we could do it...rough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I wasn't able to update yesterday.
> 
> Smut warning!

NOVEMBER:

 

Josh stared at his plate. He couldn't say which meal Tyler had tried to cook.

Tyler sat down with a sigh.

"It looks…delicious." Josh said slowly.

Tyler snorted. "Sure. It's pasta."

"Pasta. That's great. I love pasta." Josh grabbed his fork.

Tyler showed a crooked grin. "I'm sorry. I tried."

Josh tried the mass on his plate. He swallowed. "It tastes…good."

Tyler ate a mouthfull of his pasta and grimaced. "It's awful."

"No, it's not." Josh said. Tyler laughed. "Tell me how awfull it tastes."

Josh smiled. "Okay. It tastes awful. I don't know what this is, but it's not pasta."

Tyler shook his head. "I'm sorry, I can't cook."

Josh stood up. "I can order pizza?"

Tyler nodded. "Good idea."

Josh grabbed the phone and left the room to call the pizza service.

Tyler cleared the table. He threw the pasta into the trash and sighed. He wanted to do something good for Josh. Josh still met Debby.

Tyler hadn't mentioned the messages, and Josh didn't, either. Tyler was sad. He tried everything to show Josh how much he loved him. He had even written a short song for him. Josh had been crying when he'd sung it. Tyler didn't know what else to do. He loved Josh and he didn't want to lose him. So he tried not to think about Debby and Josh.

Josh came back into the kitchen. "Pizza will be there in a few minutes." He said, hugging Tyler.

"It's okay that it didn't work, baby, you tried it and the idea was really cute."

Tyler sighed. "Are you angry with me?"

Josh laughed. "Why should I be angry? I can't cook, either."

He pulled Tyler into the living room. Suddenly he became serious.

"Tyler, sit down, please."

Tyler sat down. He had a bad feeling.

Josh took a deep breath. "Tyler, I have to talk to you."

Tyler swallowed. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear Josh telling him he didn't love him any more. He didn't want to hear how wonderful Debby was. He teared up.

Josh sighed. "Tyler ... I wanted to ask you this for a long time. What problem do you have with Debby?"

Tyler furrowed his brows. "What do you mean?"

"You can't stand her, right? Why?"

Why?!

 _Because you love her and not me! You're cheating me with her and you think I wouldn't notice! Do you know what you do to me?_ Tyler wanted to scream, but he kept silent. His hands trembled.

"Tyler?"

Tyler swallowed. "I ... I have no problem with her."

"Oh yes?" Josh asked skeptically. "I don't think so. You avoid her, you refuse to talk to her."

Tyler looked down at the floor. "You ... you are so often with her and I am ... jealous." he murmured.

Josh sat down next to him on the couch and put an arm around his waist. "But Tyler ... you know I love you, only you." He said softly.

Tyler blinked to hold the tears back. _Liar!_ cried the voice in his head. _He's lying! Can't you see?_

Tyler sighed and rested his head on Josh's shoulder. "I love you too, Josh."

 

|-/

 

Josh kissed Tyler. Tyler enjoyed every second. He couldn't get enough. He grabbed Josh's wrist.

"Bedroom." he whispered.

Josh followed him to the bedroom. He kissed Tyler deeply. Tyler moaned quietly. Suddenly, Josh stopped.

"Why don't we try something new?" he asked.

Tyler's head snapped up. Why? Was Josh bored? Was the sex with him not enough?

"What…what do you mean?" Tyler asked hesitantly.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know…maybe we could do it…rough?"

Rough? Tyler didn't want rough sex. He wanted gentle sex, with a lot of kisses and sweet words whispered in his ears. But he would do everything to make Josh stay with him. He needed him. Tyler swallowed. It would make Josh happy, and that was important, right?

"Okay."

Josh smiled. "Cool. Do you want top or bottom?"

"Bottom." Tyler whispered. Josh kissed him passionatly and unbuttoned his shirt. Tyler kissed back, his hands busy to get Josh undressed. Maybe it was good to try something new. A few moments later, they were on the bed, naked. Josh knelt above Tyler, his hands cupping Tyler's face. Tyler was curious how Josh defined "rough". He got the answer, when Josh stood up and grabbed his shoulders. He dragged Tyler through the room and pinned him against the wall, with his face turned away from him. Tyler felt Josh's fingers on his tighs. He heard him moan out of pleasure, but suddenly, Tyler didn't feel any desire. He didn't want to get fucked against the wall. Josh kissed his shoulders, Tyler felt his hot breath on his skin and he got goosebumps. He clenched his hands to a fist. Josh wanted this. Tyler didn't want to destroy the atmosphere with telling him to stop. He tried to enjoy the following moments when Josh stretched him, but all Tyler could feel was the pain. He gritted his teeth.

"You alright?" Josh stopped and tried to catch his gaze. Tyler turned his face away.

"Yeah, keep going."

"Tell me if you want me to stop, okay?" Josh said.

Tyler sighed. "I…I don't…"

Josh hands on his tighs disappeared. "It's okay. We can have normal sex." He sounded a bit disappointed, but he didn't want to hurt Tyler.

Tyler noticed his disappointement. He felt bad. What the fuck was wrong with him? Josh was his _boyfriend._ He only wanted to make him happy.

"No, I'm good, really, keep going."

Josh hesitated. Tyler grabbed his hands and placed them on his tighs again. "Do it."

Josh's grip got stronger when he pushed into him. Tyler moaned, pain and pleasure sending chills through his body.

But it felt wrong, the whole time. When Josh came, he felt tears burning in his eyes. Josh bit his neck and sent Tyler over the edge. Josh was breathing heavily, when he walked to the bed and sat down. He had a huge smile on his face. "Dude…that was amazing."

Tyler nodded. He was a liar. He didn't like it, but he pretended like he did. He squeezed his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of Josh.

Josh ran his hand through his hair. He looked so sexy, his cheeks red and his hair messy. Tyler swallowed to hold back the tears. He pressed a hand against his temple.

"Hey, Tyler, is everything alright? Did I hurt you?"

Tyler shook his head quickly, his eyes still shut.

"Just…a headache. I'm gonna get some Tylenol." He hurried to leave the bedroom and ran to the bathroom.

Tyler locked the door and sat down on the toilet seat. He buried his head in his hands. He felt awful. He didn't now why, but he felt so exposed when he realized he was still naked. Tyler started crying. He pressed his hands against his mouth. He didn't want Josh to hear him sobbing. Was that what Josh did with Debby when they met without Tyler? Tyler pictured Josh on top of Debby, running his fingers through her long hair, kissing her with passion. He felt the tears running down his fingers. The thought of Josh having sex with Debby broke his heart. He cried and he couldn't stop.

After a few minutes, he heard a knock at the door. He stood up and splashed some cold water in his face.

"Tyler? Open, please." Tyler dried his face with a towel and opened the door. Josh stood in front of the door and looked worried. Tyler was glad that he wore a pair of boxers, he didn't want to see Josh naked at the moment.

Tyler smiled, trying to cover his sadness. It was a fake smile. "Do you know where the Tylenol is, Josh? I can't find it."

Josh furrowed his brows. "In the medicine cabinet, I guess." He walked to the cabinet and opened it. After a few seconds, he picked a small packet.

"Here it is."

Tyler smiled awkwardly. "Thanks."

Josh sighed. "Talk to me. What's wrong?"

Tyler walked to the sink and filled a glass with water. He swallowed one of the pills, although he didn't have a headache. He didn't want to seem noncredible.

"Come on, Ty, tell me. You didn't like it, did you?"

Tyler straightened up and turned. "I liked it, Josh. I'm just tired." he walked to Josh and hugged him. "I love you." he whispered in his ear.

Josh held him tight. "I love you too, Tyler."

Tyler closed his eyes and rested his chin on Josh's shoulder. He couldn't lose Josh. He'd do everything to keep him close.

 


	10. "You don't love me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self-harm

DECEMBER:

 

Josh kept something from him. Tyler knew that. Sometimes Josh called Debby and when Tyler entered the room, he stopped and ended the call quickly. Tyler never asked what Josh was talking to Debby. He knew it was about him. Sometimes he heard his name in the conversations. Tyler knew why they were talking about him. Josh didn't love him anymore, and Debby urged him to finish the relationship. Tyler didn't know why Josh hadn't done it long ago. It broke Tyler's heart, but he smiled and kissed Josh, although these lips probably had kissed Debbys hundreds of times. Tyler noticed that his relationship to Josh was nothing but silence. Sometimes he noticed how Josh glared at him, but before he could say anything, Tyler turned his head away and invented a stupid excuse to leave the room. Tyler knew he couldn't look into Josh's eyes anymore.

At that moment, Tyler gave up. He didn't want to fight for Josh anymore. He couldn't. Josh and Debby still met. Tyler had recently seen the two of them at Taco Bell, when he had been back home alone and hungry and decided to get some food. He had already parked his car and had walked to the door when he saw the two sitting by the windows at a table, laughing and chatting. He had immediately turned around and had gone home, trying to fall asleep, but the tears had kept him awake. Tyler was tired. He couldn't fight against Debby. He had tried everything, but it hadn't been enough. _Josh will never love me. It will never be the same again._ Tyler felt numb, when he realized that. He knew that for him there was only one way to avert the threatening pain.

 

He cut his skin careful, not deep enough to seriously hurt him, but he felt the pain. Physical pain was easier to bear than mental pain. The white sink turned red, blood-red. For a moment he was almost relieved. Tyler stared at the blood and the relief vanished. He felt terrible. It was years ago that he'd done it the last time. For years he had been strong, but now he was as weak as before. Tears dripped to the ground as Tyler covered his arms with bandages, but no sound escaped his mouth. He washed the blood away and ran into the bedroom. He stared at the double bed, at Josh's place, before he grabbed a hoodie. Josh couldn't see his arms, never.

 

|-/

 

Tyler cut fruit for a smoothie.

Josh sat at the table and was lurking on twitter.

Tyler watched him while he cut the fruit. Suddenly he noticed a sharp pain in his finger.

"Ouch!" Tyler stared at the cut in his finger. Warm blood ran down his arm.

Josh jumped up. "Oh my God, Tyler, what happened?" He asked worried.

"Nothing, I just cut myself." murmured Tyler.

"Wait, I'll help you." Suddenly, Josh was next to him and examined the wound.

"Luckily, it's not very deep. Watch out, the blood will ruin your hoodie."

Before Tyler could react, he had pushed the sleeve back.

Josh frowned and looked at the white bandage around Tyler's arm.

"Tyler ... what is that?"

"Nothing!" Tyler said quickly, trying to withdraw his arm, but Josh grabbed his wrist and pushed the other sleeve up.

Shocked, he stared at his arms.

"It ... I'm sorry." Tyler's voice was shaky.

Josh's gaze was cold. His face expression scared Tyler.

"What did you do, Tyler, you said you stopped." His voice was cold as ice.

Tyler was trembling. "I ... I've stopped."

"DOn'T LIE TO ME!" yelled Josh. His fingernails dug in Tyler's skin. Tyler cringed.

"I've stopped, I swear!" whimpered Tyler. He avoided Josh's gaze.

"Oh yes?" Josh asked sarcastically. "And what is that? I can't believe you did that."

He shook his head and Tyler could see the disappointment in his eyes.

"Please, Josh ... let me explain!" He begged.

Josh laughed bitterly. "You don't need to explain me anything, Tyler." He took a step back.

Tyler began to cry. "Please, Josh, I love you!"

Josh turned away. "You don't love me, if you'd love me, you wouldn't have done that."

His words hit Tyler. He stared at Josh and the tears burned in his eyes. He grabbed Josh's wrist.

"Please listen to me!" he cried desperately. Josh pushed him away. Tyler stumbled and fell.

Josh bent down to him. "You know what, Tyler, do what you want, but without me." He hissed. His eyes were so full of rage that Tyler was too frightened to answer. He crouched on the floor and looked at Josh when he left the apartment and slammed the door behind him.


	11. Too late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of suicide

JANUARY:

 

Josh had come back. He had tried to talk to Tyler, but Tyler was stubborn and ignored him. He ignored Josh and when Josh said he'd love him, Tyler just shook his head and left the room. Josh yelled at him. He cried. He begged. He tried to kiss him, but Tyler flinched.

After two weeks of silence and begging and Tyler hurting himself, Josh moved out. He lived with Debby now. He told Tyler that he thought they both would need some time seperated, but Tyler knew it was the end of their relationship. Once Josh moved out, he'd never come back.

Tyler used his deadpan when Josh packed a bag with his belongings. He ignored Josh's hopeful gaze. He didn't say a word when Josh closed the door and left, altough Tyler saw the tears in his eyes.

 Now, Tyler was a mess. He didn't eat. He didn't sleep. He didn't want to write lyrics or play music. He did nothing. He just sat on his bed and stared at the wall and recognized how empty the apartement was without Josh. Nobody talked, nobody laughed, nobody fell asleep while watching TV. Just silence.

 The silence killed Tyler slowly, like poison. He had no purpose. He had no life. He was empty. He didn't know what to do. Why should he live on? It was easier to disappear. Nobody would miss him, right? Because the only person who'd miss him was gone and propably fucked a girl right now.

 Tyler knew the solution. He had tried to avoid these thoughts for the past two weeks, but the voice in his head repeated the thought over and over again, and today, the voice was too loud.

 Today, Tyler listened to the voice. And he recognized, the voice was right. Right. It was right.

 Tyler stared at the bottle in his hands. It was easy. Just a few pills and he would be dead soon.

 What had his life for a meaning without Josh? No one.

Tyler's hands trembled when he put some pills on his hand. But it was not enough. Five of them wouldn't relieve him from his pain and loneliness.

Suddenly, Tyler was mad. Mad at himself, at Josh, at Debby, at the whole world.

His hands were no longer trembling when he filled a glass of water. He was cold inside, so cold, and his heart was just a piece of meat that pumped blood through his body. It beat fast, but Tyler ignored his heart, his stupid, naive heart, which still saw hope and tried to convince him. He was cold and calculating and he was no longer afraid.

Tyler put some of the pills on his tongue and swallowed them with a sip of water. And again. And again. Until all pills had disappeared and the package was empty. The anger gave way to a deep calmness. Tyler sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. Not much longer, then...

He closed his eyes and counted the seconds. Twenty, thirty, forty. One minute. He felt his time running out.

Tyler's heart beat painfully against his ribs. His mind was quiet, but his heart was not. His body fought, he wanted to live.

Was this the end? Would he die here, alone, just like that? Would Josh even come to his funeral?

Suddenly, he saw Josh's face clearly in front of him. He heard his voice.

"Tyler." Josh said. Not more. Only "Tyler."

And then Tyler knew that he didn't want to die. He wanted to live. But he would die because he had swallowed the pills.

Tyler's body began to shake. His stomach ached. He didn't know whether it was because of the pills or the fear. He only knew he couldn't die. He felt dizzy and weak when he got up and stumbled to the toilet. It had to get it out, all the pills had to disappear from his body. Tyler gagged. Tears burned in his eyes and his whole body ached, but nothing came out.

Tyler got scared. His heart was racing and his head was full of regret. His hands were sweating, but as much as he gagged, he couldn't throw up. He would die and never see Josh again. "No!" Tyler began to scream. "No, I don't want to die! Please!" He began to sob. "Please ... please ..." Tears ran down his cheeks and his whole body shook. "Josh ..." Tyler whimpered. "Josh ... help me ..."

But Josh wasn't there and Tyler was alone in his bathroom and died.

He had already given up when his body began to fight. He gagged again and vomited. Tyler gasped before he was overcome by another wave of nausea and vomited again. He had the feeling of suffocating, but the more he empied his stomach, the stronger became his will to survive.

And his hope.

Tyler hoped with all his heart that it was not too late.

The bile burned in his throat when he collapsed next to the toilet. Tyler's view was blurry and unfocused. He noticed how weak he already was. Tyler knew he needed to get help if he wanted to live, but the fear paralyzed him. His whole body was heavy and his fingertips felt numb. Tyler closed his eyes. He was tired, so tired ...

Suddenly, he heard footsteps and opened his eyes. A figure stood in the doorway.

"Tyler?"

Then he lost consciousness.


	12. Finally

FEBRUARY:

 

Josh tapped nervously against the steering wheel of his car. He couldn't decide whether to get off the car or not. He reluctantly remembered the last time he met Tyler. However, he finally had to get his last belongings. Josh bit his lower lip. He still had a key to the apartment. Maybe Tyler was not at home? Josh noticed that his hands were trembling and he was angry about it. What could happen? It couldn't be worse than last time, right? Josh closed his eyes and thought of what had happened when he had entered the apartment the last time.

 

_Flashback: Josh cursed under his breath when he noticed that he had left his cell phone in the apartment. He sighed and climbed into his car. He needed his phone._

_When he drove towards his old home, he thought about the consequences of the breakup. Josh knew the band would no longer exist. How could they play music together, if Tyler didn't speak to him? He had been talking for hours at Tyler, but Tyler had only ignored him. By and by, Josh had given up until the apartment was filled with icy silence. Josh drove into the driveway and parked the car._

_He got out and walked to the door. He wondered if he should ring, but then he shook his head. It was also his apartment. He unlocked the door and entered the apartment. Josh saw his cell phone on the table next to the door and put it in his pocket. He listened. Silence. Then Josh heard a choking and someone throwing up._

_With a few steps he crossed the hall and entered the bathroom. Tyler was lying next to the toilet. He had closed his eyes._

_J_ _osh swallowed. "Tyler?"_

_Tyler blinked and glanced at him. Then he closed his eyes and his head tilted to the side._

_Josh didn't hesitate. He knelt beside Tyler and shook him. "Tyler? Tyler?"_

_Tyler didn't move. He was pale. Josh noticed that he had lost conciousness._

_He hesitated. Should he call an ambulance?_

_Tyler groaned. His eyes fluttered. Josh lifted him up and carried him into the living room. There he put Tyler on the couch and wiped the remains of the vomit from his face. Tyler groaned again and opened his eyes. He stared at Josh for a few seconds, then jumped up and ran a few steps away from Josh. There he stopped and crossed his arms._

_Josh still knelt beside the couch and stared at him in confusion. "Tyler ... is everything alright?"_

_Tyler clicked with his tongue. "Josh. Josh! What are you doing here?"_

_"I ... I wanted to get my phone. I left it here."_

_Tyler kept silent and leaned against the wall. He was still pale._

_"Tyler, are you alright?"_

_"Yes I'm fine!" Tyler snapped._

_"You fainted, you should sit down, I can call a doctor?" Josh asked worried._

_Tyler shook his head. "No. Take your phone and go."_

___"But, Tyler, you passed out, I was worried…"_

_Tyler gritted his teeth. "I'm fine, Joshua, and I'm much better off when you finally disappear."_

_Josh swallowed. "I ... I'll drive you to a doctor."_

_Tyler pushed himself off the wall. "Leave me alone, I'm sick and a flu won't kill me!" He laughed dryly. "You should leave now." "_

_But-" Josh protested._

_"Get lost!" yelled Tyler. "Leave me alone, fuck off, I don't want to see you anymore!"_

_Josh stood up slowly. He was shocked. Tyler had never shouted at him like this._

_"I don't know what's going on with you, Tyler."_

_"Oh, really?!" Tyler grabbed an award from the shelf next to him. One of the many prizes he and Josh had won. The award hit the wall, right next to Josh's head._

_"You want to know what's going on with ME, maybe you should think about yourself. I hate you, I HATE you!"_

_Josh raised his arms to protect himself from another award that left a hole in the wall. "_

_Fuck off and never come back again!" growled Tyler._ _Josh didn't notice the tears Tyler hold back. Without a word, he walked through the door next to Tyler and left the apartment._

_He sobbed and his Hands shook when he climbed into his car and drove back to Debby._

Since he had moved out a few weeks ago, he had lived with Debby. She had welcomed him without asking questions. Josh was relieved when Debby said he could stay as long as he needed, but Josh knew he couldn't live with her forever. He thought of the apartments he had visited today. His fame had sometimes disadvantages, but he didn't have to worry about the money. He could buy every apartment he wanted. He had walked through the apartments, looking at expensive furniture, huge bedrooms, and built-in bars, but everything had seemed so empty to him. Several times he had found himself planning space for Tyler's piano until he remembered that he didn't have to worry about it anymore.

Josh stared at Tyler's house.

 

He knew at one point had their relationship failed. He didn't know exactly when, but from a certain point in time, Tyler had withdrew from him and had talked less and less to Josh. He had looked unhappy. Josh noticed that Tyler had become suspicious. He had begun to ignore Josh more and do nothing more than sit there and stare at the walls. They used to talk about everything, but now everyone kept his thoughts to himself. Josh missed the old Tyler. The new one was filled with bitterness and withdrawn and Josh didn't know why. He couldn't remember why excatly Tyler broke up with him.

He had said nothing except, "It's not working between us, Josh, it's over."

He hadn't blamed Josh.

Josh got off his car hesitantly. He sighed. He couldn't sit around forever and think about his failed relationship. Shortly after, he had crossed the street and entered the apartment. His hands trembled so much that he dropped the key. Josh didn't want to admit it, but he was afraid of Tyler. He was so cold-hearted and calculating. Josh decided to get his things as quickly as possible and disappear. He would start with his clothes.

 He entered the bedroom. And froze as he heard a sobbing.

Tyler sat on the floor, between the closet and the bed, and sobbed heartbreakingly. His eyes were red and tears ran down his cheeks. His sweatshirt was already wet.

Josh's fear disappeared. Slowly he stepped closer.

Tyler looked at him and his whole body shook. He had wrapped his arms around his knees and looked miserable.

Josh sat down beside him without a word. He put an arm around Tyler's shoulder.

Tyler didn't flinch this time. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Josh's shoulder while he was crying.

For a long time none of them moved. Tyler was crying and Josh held him close.

"Tyler ..." Josh whispered after a while.

"Josh ... how could you?" whimpered Tyler. He buried his head in Josh's shirt.

Josh put his arms around him. He sighed. Tyler's tears drenched his shirt, but Josh didn't care. After a few minutes, he began to speak softly.

"Tyler ... why are you so angry with me, what did I do to hurt you?"

He could feel Tyler tense under his arms.

"What you did?" sobbed Tyler. "You left me and y-you cheated me."

Josh sucked in a breath. "What, I didn't cheat you, Tyler, never, why do think that?"

Tyler freed himself from his embrace. "Oh, stop lying, Josh, I can't take it anymore, please ... stop lying." He wiped his tears away.

Josh stared at him. "But it's true, I haven't cheated you, why should I do that? I love you."

Tyler laughed bitterly. He couldn't stop crying. His cheeks were wet with tears and his eyes were burning. "And what about Debby? I've seen the messages, Josh."

Josh ran his hand through his hair. "I've never slept with Debby, Tyler, we're just friends."

"But ... but the messages ..." Josh took out his phone. He clicked on the messages. Tyler took the phone from his hand. He pointed to a conversation:

 

_Josh: Did you like it?_

_Debby: Of course! It was amazing. I did not know you could be so wild ..._

_Josh: Well, you'll find out more about me soon :)_

_Debby: What about Tyler?_

_Josh: Leave it to me, okay? I talk to him._

_Debby: Please hurry. I want it to be settled soon._

 

"What the hell, Josh? You say you didn't sleep with Debby, but what is that?"

Josh began to laugh. "I've shown Debby a video of me, wait." He clicked on the touchscreen several times and turned the display to Tyler. "Do you see?"

The video showed Josh sitting at his drums. He smiled briefly at the camera and began drumming. Tyler had never heard what he was playing. Josh bounced on the chair and hit his drums incredible fast. Soon, his shirt was soaked in sweat. The video stopped after a few minutes.

"I tried something new and I wanted to know how Debby liked it." Josh explained.

Tyler bit his lip. "And what about the other messages?"

Josh sighed. "Do you remember when I asked you why you don't like Debby? Debby is not stupid, she noticed you ignored her, she wanted me to talk to you about that."

Tyler turned his head away and stared at the wall. Slowly he realized that he had misunderstood everything.

"You're right, the messages are really suggestive, and that explains why you didn't want to talk to Debby." Josh said softly. "Why didn't you say a word about it, Tyler, why didn't you ever ask me what was between me and Debby?"

Tyler swallowed. "I was afraid, I didn't want to lose you, Josh, I thought if I showed you how much I love you, you won't leave me, but you've always met with Debby and I thought ... I thought you'd love me no more."

Josh hugged him and rested his chin on Tyler's head.

"I ... I tried to kill myself, Josh." Tyler whispered. "On the day you came here to get your phone, I swallowed pills, I couldn't live without you."

Josh stared at him. "What?!"

Tyler sobbed. "I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry, Josh, I was stupid, I threw up after I've swallowed them ... I was so afraid to die ..."

Josh held him close and breathed deeply. "Tyler ... Tyler promise me you'll never, never try that again, okay?" He shook him. "Promise!"

Tyler nodded. "I promise." he whispered.

Josh sighed. "I'm sorry, Tyler, I should've noticed what's going on with you, I should've been more persistent, I-"

Tyler leaned forward and kissed him. Josh tasted his tears, but he didn't care. He was here and Tyler was here and everything else didn't matter.

"I love you, Tyler." muttered Josh, wiping the tears of Tyler's cheeks.

Tyler sobbed. "I love you too, Josh, I love you so much."

Josh stood up and took a deep breath. There was something, something he wanted to do for a long time. He reached into his pocket and his fingers touched the cold metal. He knew it was right.

Josh knelt down in front of Tyler and reached for his hand. "Tyler ... I love you so much, I want to spend my whole life with you. There is something I wanted to ask you for a long time." His voice was raspy. "Tyler Robert Joseph, do you want to marry me?"

Tyler stared at him. Josh held the ring out, which he had been carrying around for too long. Tyler's hands trembled when he took the ring and whispered, "Yes, I do."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was long, but I think the end of a story is very important. I know it's a bit cheesy, but it felt right when I wrote it. Thank you for your lovely comments and support, frens.  
> I hope you enjoyed the fic!


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